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What do I do now?

Posted on Sun Sep 1st, 2019 @ 9:03pm by Commander Aurelia Holmes

ON

"Computer start recording. Well here I am back on the Elysium, Gary, Anje, and Liselle formed a posse and retrieved me. But the problem is still firmly in front of me, what do I do now? Can I remain as the Chief of Security and Tactical while I have this mental affliction? I've fought this for so long, first with my Father then with several boyfriends who I stupidly trusted. Then Khoal arrived on the scene and over the time he had with me, he slowly and completely destroyed my resistance. This curse was encouraged and fostered by him and his people, it tuned me into this Kinky Doll as the Syndicate labeled me.

I can't stop myself reacting if people use certain trigger words, I can't stop myself stripping off and letting anyone using me as they please. My barriers have been removed, my self control is non-existent. Gary say's he'll stand by me, but if Bashir can't help will he be able to really stay with me? Or will it turn into a master and servant relationship? I can't see Gary playing the master card very well, but if he can't or won't do it where will that leave me? This whole situation is getting very messy, I'm thinking of going to see the Captain about it. It's only right that I tell her, not some quack from Medical who hasn't a clue about how I feel or know what I want. I'm just scared she'll just see some pervert and reduce my rank until I end up leaving, can't say I wouldn't blame her. But she has a ship to look after and a crew that comes before some mental nutcase.

Why did this happen to me? First the miscarriage then Khoal, did I upset the bloody universe at some stage? I had a career and I was Second Officer on the Elysium, and I got injured. I left but somehow managed to get back aboard, I retained my Security and Tactical post but lost the Second Officer. Then that miscarriage and all of it's ramifications happened, and finally to top everything off Khoal and his merry band of Sadists mentally torture me into being a fucking masochist that anyone can control. Any way I will think this thing through, computer stop recording and place into my personnel logs".

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