"More to Life"
Posted on Thu Jan 10th, 2019 @ 6:43pm by Lieutenant Commander Tate Sullivan Ph.D.
"Computer, begin recording… I thought it was about time I record one of these. After all, as much as some people just like recording these personal logs, Starfleet counseling has suggested doing so reduces stress and helps people develop their own problem solving skills. In short, they've determined sometimes just speaking thoughts aloud, despite how silly it can feel, is enough to help people feel better and figure out their problems. I suppose I don't want to be a hypocrite by resisting this process for myself.
I guess I'm feeling, for lack of a better word, wistful? Sentimental? I'm not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the recent holiday season. Maybe it has to do with the fact Feyth has just given birth, or maybe it's a combination of the two, but whatever the reason, I find myself feeling more emotional and more reflective about my life than I have ever been before. I've always been someone who put work first and someone who genuinely did so because I enjoy what I do. I believe in it, so if there was a certain imbalance to my life, I always considered it a minor flaw, something to be forgiven. Maybe if I'm being truly honest, I can admit there has always been a certain arrogance about it as well. If I were a workaholic, it was because my job encouraged it, and because I was needed. My workaholism was justified, not like that of others.
Seeing that little girl…
It sounds cliché and completely obvious, but as soon as I saw her, I knew, I mean really knew, there truly is more to life, even in Starfleet, than just work. Of course, I've always known that intellectually, but this hit me hard recently. Maybe it's because I'm a godmother now. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and there will come a point, even in this age of advanced medicine, that motherhood, at least biological motherhood, will no longer be possible for me. Whatever it was, it occurred to me how much I don't want my legacy to be "She was a great therapist who worked a lot." My goddaughter certainly deserves better than that kind of role model.
I know I need to put myself out there, but the truth is, it's hard for me to think about seriously dating someone. Anyone I choose for a serious commitment is likely to come from the crew, and I can't shake the sense that doing so would feel like some sort of ethical violation. I know intellectually I can't be so arrogant as to think I'm the only counselor available to the crew, but I take my job seriously and I know I can't always count on passing responsibility to someone else just because I want a partner and a family.
I suppose I'm also scared it's already too late for me. One thing is for certain, however, I can't continue to have these feelings without doing something about them. What that is, I don't know, but perhaps saying it out loud is a start.